How could I ever know I could feel this way? I would say "again", but its not again.
You are different.
We are different.
This whole thing.
Is.
So.
Different.
You are a work of wonderous magic from the gods a gift to me for somethign amazing I must have done somewhere along the line...Is this the Love I get, in apology for all that was taken away/kept from me so early? Is this, like, some kind of the best retribution ever? It is not for me to know. Just to experience, I know that.
But.
You.
Me.
How?
I am so grateful - this is absolutly unexpected.
Last time was innocent. Young. No wisdom. Hell bent for leather. Full of pain. The highs were not tempered & so neither were the lows. We were fooled by our starry connection...This, though?
THIS.
Is different.
Grown-up versions of every play I've ever been in. Grown-up, forward-moving, strong & wise, connected in spirit, in bone. Do we share DNA? Long-lost twins. Twin hearts, we. Holding together in the space of the Womb at the Center of the Earth...For so long, gestataing together, holding one another so long, we weren't aware of an Other. So we didn't realize what had been lost when we were ripped apart. BUT - oh, did we KNOW when we were put back together...Bolts of lightning. Scorching my earth.
So. You are out there. Breathing. Moving. Skating. Reading. Sleeping. Driving.
And I'm here. Reading. Listening. Working. Breathing. Moving. Holding. Waiting. Sleeping....
The axis of the sun, the moon, the stars - our meeting points - the 3rd angle of the triangle that connects our corporeal Selves. Laser beams shooting from the Moon to each of us. I look up & think of you & know you can look up, too, and do, and think of me.
Connecting us until we can touch.
Touch. You. Me. We will be free.
xoxoxoxoXXXoxoxoxox
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Shitty Shift Vent
What happened?
-jerky, entitled customer ("guest") comes through my self-check with his girlfriend, trying to buy booze. He had valid ID, she did not. I explain to them the law, the rules the Whole Schpeil. He gets all puffed up and shitty at me, being a total dick. We both start raising our voices at each other. He insists that that is NOT the law and then she leaves and he asks if he can buy it now that she's gone. No, I say, because the cameras already have me carding you both and she without an ID. Go through another line, that's fine, but I can't let you through because Texas is a hard-ass & I refuse to lose my job because you're angry. We continue to fight. Girlfriend comes back with valid ID - I say, "see? now i can sell this to you because you both have ID. It doesn't matter how old you are - I am not allowed to sell this to you without both having IDs", He kept arguing that law. I assumed he'd go complain and he did. I mostly let it go - but then went and researched the follow-up. The new ASTL had come over, apologized profusely and given them a FUCKING $30 GIFT CARD - whcih our store doesn't do. $20 at MOST. So this motherfucker gets a fucking free $30. AND the ASTL - who I expected would back me up - totally throws me under a bus & stabs me in the back - I go find him and explain myself, seeing what the fuck. He tells me I'm wrong - that isn't TABC law. I ask him to research that and get back to me and our entire team. I ask him to ask other TMs on our team about that rule because that is what we are trained to do.
2.) I feel FURIOUS that I was thrown under a bus by someone who I expected to support me (and what I believe to be the fucking law of Texas). I am furious. To tears.
3.) I talk a lot with Jen and realize that its not about the asshole or even the idiot ASTL. Its about my trigger - Right VS Wrong & justice and all that. Reminded me of what Cait & I spoke about this morning - Eric's sister dying of a fucking botched tonsilectomy - and Caitlin's sense of justice - how UNFUCKINGFAIR that is - and I, telling her that there is a bigger, universal sense of balance that we may not understand but life is not fair. It just isn't. And there is no vengeful deity - its just Balance....Guess I have that sense of justice, too. Mine comes directly from trying SO HARD to do The Right Thing all my life - thinking it would relieve my painful experiences/situations....And having it do. absolutely. nothing. Make no difference. I can be the Good Child, I can be a Royal Bitch - it didn't change my Mom's drinking or Jack's asshole Dry Drunk or any other person's actions/ideas/behaviors. POWERLESSNESS in the extreme. I'm on Step 2. Of course.
That knowledge does not change the fact that I am exhausted and thouroughly pissed off at this boss & the fact that I do the right thing. And don't get justified in that. I, in fact, just get more shit for it sometimes. That's life. It ain't fair. It ain't right. BUT - I HAVE to believe that somewhere, in some time, it is Balanced. I have to.
-jerky, entitled customer ("guest") comes through my self-check with his girlfriend, trying to buy booze. He had valid ID, she did not. I explain to them the law, the rules the Whole Schpeil. He gets all puffed up and shitty at me, being a total dick. We both start raising our voices at each other. He insists that that is NOT the law and then she leaves and he asks if he can buy it now that she's gone. No, I say, because the cameras already have me carding you both and she without an ID. Go through another line, that's fine, but I can't let you through because Texas is a hard-ass & I refuse to lose my job because you're angry. We continue to fight. Girlfriend comes back with valid ID - I say, "see? now i can sell this to you because you both have ID. It doesn't matter how old you are - I am not allowed to sell this to you without both having IDs", He kept arguing that law. I assumed he'd go complain and he did. I mostly let it go - but then went and researched the follow-up. The new ASTL had come over, apologized profusely and given them a FUCKING $30 GIFT CARD - whcih our store doesn't do. $20 at MOST. So this motherfucker gets a fucking free $30. AND the ASTL - who I expected would back me up - totally throws me under a bus & stabs me in the back - I go find him and explain myself, seeing what the fuck. He tells me I'm wrong - that isn't TABC law. I ask him to research that and get back to me and our entire team. I ask him to ask other TMs on our team about that rule because that is what we are trained to do.
2.) I feel FURIOUS that I was thrown under a bus by someone who I expected to support me (and what I believe to be the fucking law of Texas). I am furious. To tears.
3.) I talk a lot with Jen and realize that its not about the asshole or even the idiot ASTL. Its about my trigger - Right VS Wrong & justice and all that. Reminded me of what Cait & I spoke about this morning - Eric's sister dying of a fucking botched tonsilectomy - and Caitlin's sense of justice - how UNFUCKINGFAIR that is - and I, telling her that there is a bigger, universal sense of balance that we may not understand but life is not fair. It just isn't. And there is no vengeful deity - its just Balance....Guess I have that sense of justice, too. Mine comes directly from trying SO HARD to do The Right Thing all my life - thinking it would relieve my painful experiences/situations....And having it do. absolutely. nothing. Make no difference. I can be the Good Child, I can be a Royal Bitch - it didn't change my Mom's drinking or Jack's asshole Dry Drunk or any other person's actions/ideas/behaviors. POWERLESSNESS in the extreme. I'm on Step 2. Of course.
That knowledge does not change the fact that I am exhausted and thouroughly pissed off at this boss & the fact that I do the right thing. And don't get justified in that. I, in fact, just get more shit for it sometimes. That's life. It ain't fair. It ain't right. BUT - I HAVE to believe that somewhere, in some time, it is Balanced. I have to.
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